Thoughts Released On My Own Recognizance

It’s interesting how people would be showing you something and then they’ll say “not to show off or gloat or anything,” when if any compliment were to come their way, they would accept it and perhaps get a little fat-headed about it. I guess this could be interpreted different ways; perhaps they really did not intend to brag about it and any compliment would be a nice addition to the conversation, or they are trying to appear modest and are hoping for compliments.

I don’t know, just some thoughts.

I’m afraid those who read this post will be sorely displeased. My dream cycle is odd. I can go for weeks without remembering a single dream, and there may be a week or two when I can remember dream vividly. They typically are very unsound, being in a place I’ve never been, but they do have people I know. Perhaps people that I think about a lot…

I will go on to say that these dreams sometimes play hard on my emotions, whether those emotions are happy or sad. Dreams torment me, regardless of the outcome.

Sorry so short.

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I’ve been falling seriously behind on this, to the point that I will not be able to catch up. I’m going to try hard to keep up.

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Well this certainly has been a driving point in my life. Anger and pain always have a presence or grip on some aspect of my life, something that I have been trying to get a hold of. Anger, I believe, tends to be a derivative of hate (then again, what isn’t a derivative of hate? Some philosophical mind-soup, there.).

I suppose love can drive someone to hate. Jealousy, perhaps? Can love not lead one to jealousy? Let’s define jealous: “Jealousy is an emotion and typically refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something that the person values, such as a relationship, friendship, or love” (Wikipedia.org).

On top of hate, I would say that love and hate are indeed similar. I wrote something quite some time ago relating the two:

Through the many years of life has one of the most typical controversies been in debate. The argument leads to the balance of love and hate. Of course, many believe that love and hate do live as separate entities, with few others believing the hand-in-hand existence of the resolved contrary. By way of the passion, the dependency, and the need of the absolute yin yang of life do love and hate come together to correlate.

In order for love and hate to be compared in each other’s nature, examination of several definitions may verify why passion brings them together. Love is defined as “very strong affection” while the equal, yet opposite hate is defined as to “dislike somebody or something intensely” (Encarta Dictionary). Now, “intense” and “very strong” are in fact synonyms, meaning they are alike. In further study of the word passion, Encarta brings to light its definition as an “intense or overpowering emotion such as love, joy, hatred, or anger.” Without any hesitation, one can replace the words “strong affection” and “dislike”intensely” with the word “passion,” obviously making the solitary essentials of life undeniably similar.

Although love and hate share passion, how is it that human beings are able to consciously tell the difference between the two? The most definite dependency of love and hate relies on the fact that they both exist. If one were to exist and not the other, how would one know? How could one know if one felt love if they do not even know what hate feels like? Could one know the light if all he or she has ever known was the dark? The fact that we are able to see them like black and white enables them to exist in the assured fact that they rely on each other’s existence to survive.

Ongoing, love and hate assume the arrangement that the lover or hater needs one or the other to continue with life. Nathaniel Hawthorne conveys quite an example from his book The Scarlet Letter: “[love and hate] each renders one individual dependent for the food of his affections and spiritual fife upon another: each leaves the passionate lover, or the no less passionate hater, forlorn and desolate by the withdrawal of his subject.” The constant need for passion in one’s life has always been relentlessly asked of the heart from passion’s imbedded nature in life. Who in the world has been seen neither loving nor hating another human being? The essential need for passion is derived from the need to feel and live with “a celestial radiance, and” in a dusky and lurid glow” (Nathaniel Hawthorne).

Although love and hate seem to be completely different, each of the two relate by overlooked aspects of nature. One could easily assume the two are different because they relate to black and white, but love and hate are more complex than the unsophisticated black and white. By way of the passion, the dependency, and the need of the absolute yin yang of life do love and hate come together to correlate.

So, based on this, we can gather that anger is not just independent, but happiness is indeed a factor that dictates how we perceive things to arrive at anger. Such a passion, it is. Like happiness, it can cause us to make irrational decisions.

Let’s consider Newton’s third law of gravity: “The mutual forces of action and reaction between two bodies are equal, opposite and collinear. This means that whenever a first body exerts a force F on a second body, the second body exerts a force −F on the first body. F and −F are equal in magnitude and opposite in direction” (Wikipedia.org).

If there was no force -F, then theoretically, there would be no force F. Think about it.

I think I bent a lot of boards trying to make my point: love and happiness would not exist without hate and anger. Without yin, there is no yang. No white, then no black. No air, then no vacuum. No right, then no wrong. You cannot classify something without comparison. How do you know something is hard if you have never felt something that was soft?

I’m not sure how many other examples I can give on it, so just take when you can and get out. :P

Wow, there really is a lot to say about my parents, although I am not too familiar with their history. That was one thing that was never revealed to me, at least not easily.

My father was different when I was a child. Definitely a blue-collar man, working mostly in construction; he did extra work on the side, as well, like remodeling and carpentry. He did his best to be a father; he would take my brother and I to our baseball games, play baseball with us, take us to parks and whatnot. He got injured on the job later, and he was no longer the same man.

My mother was different then, as well. She’s definitely a much more gentle woman now. She did her best as well, working mostly retail jobs and then finally getting an administrative job with Rite-Aid.

After my parents divorced, my brother and I no longer played baseball. Our mother grew increasingly absent trying to support our large family (6 kids [that includes me] and two cats) in such a tiny house (not sure of the square footage). Soon she would start dating and one of the guys she ended up sticking with was, for the lack of a better word, a jerk (my feelings towards him in this regard are much stronger than “jerk”), but I will spare you with that.

They would drag us to Georgia while my brother and I were in 9th grade (mid-year…). Georgia was a huge difference, and our mother became protective, not really letting us do too much. I do resent this some, especially since, for instance, when I was a part of the wresting team, I managed to injure my left foot and ankle. She would not take me to see a doctor, even though she had promised to. Since I was unable to stay off of my feet (I need to walk), it took about a month and a half to two months for both injuries to heal. I still feel the affects some days, but for the most part they have subsided.

After my brother and I graduated high school, my mom and her boyfriend moved again to Colorado, while my brother and I stayed in Georgia. My mom broke up with her boyfriend eventually, after being nagged and told that she needs to do it for herself and her family. She stayed in Colorado a little while longer, then moved back to New Jersey and now lives with another man, who is much better and takes good care of her.

I speak to my father every now and again. I haven’t kept much contact after he said he would pay to get my brother’s Camaro repaired (bent rod); I had to float the bill ($3,000); I didn’t have that kind of money, being a college student and all, so I resented him for it. I know he means well, and I shouldn’t hold it against him. He tries, especially while fighting depression and other issues, not to mention his previous wife was just milking him dry…

I keep contact with my mother. Like I said, she is much sweeter than she used to be, but still has some problems like she did some time ago. She does her best, and that shows, although I feel like she still tries to run from her problems. I pray that she does find the strength to stand against opposition and fear.

After writing this, I suppose the conviction is really hitting me. Hate, grudges, resentment…they are all feeble. Thank you, God.

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Totally missed yesterday’s. I will attempt to make up for this.

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I don’t really have a physical place to which I go to think deeply. Sometimes, I just get lost in my own thoughts, listening to music, the wind, the city.  Although, I will say that it is wonderful to go to a state park or something and find a beautiful place to sit and reflect on things, maybe even read a bit of the good word.

Really it doesn’t matter what I am doing some days. I can just get lost in thought pertaining to a lot. My concentration really does well in certain situations, so long as I have enough sleep. With lack of sleep, I just wonder off in a stupor.

Listening to music is great, too, especially music with a certain feel to it, or even a great/intense message. Or even an instrumental. It really varies on what gets me thinking.

I could say my job, my life, my ability to move about, but really…I wake up to live. Waiting to see what God has in store for me and taking on the good and the bad for the day is what moves me along and keeps me strong. There isn’t life where there is no conflict and no adaptation. It’s like my previous manager’s view on new employees: we need to break you down and then build you back up. Even if it is brick by bloody brick, it is progress nonetheless.

Start small, build large, but on the right things that God has to offer. He isn’t where you want Him to be; He is exactly where He needs to be and it is up to you to go to Him.

God, give us all the strength to make it through the day and to stay on the right path, regardless of the outcome and what dilemmas we may face.

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So, this place needs some content. I would like to copy my buddy on this one because it’s a good idea. I must say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but that really needs to be amended. If you tend to imitate, try to live up to the original; don’t half-ass it. It should be about revealing things not only to yourself, but to others.

I’m going to stop trollin’ and start writin’. Hopefully I can live up to the original of these items.

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Day 1 — What wakes you up in the morning?
Day 2 — What place do you go to to think intensely?
Day 3 — What are your parents like?
Day 4 — Explain anger/pain.
Day 5 — Expose your dreams, as in sleep.
Day 6 — Write about that random stranger.
Day 7 — Write about the one that got away.
Day 8 — Describe three friends you’ve met via Internet.
Day 9 — Who would you like to meet someday?
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to?
Day 11 — Who would you want to talk to that has passed?
Day 12 — Any sincere pain someone has caused you?
Day 13 — Is there anyone you would like to forgive?
Day 14 — What would you do with a billion dollars?
Day 15 — Is there anyone you miss alot?
Day 16 — Write about someone who is outside your state/country.
Day 17 — Write about someone from your childhood.
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be.
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good and bad.
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest.
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression.
Day 22 — Three items you would bring to an island.
Day 23 — Write about your last kiss.
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory.
Day 25 — A person you know who has gone through tall highs and deep lows.
Day 26 — What does a pinky promise mean to you?
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day.
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life.
Day 29 — Define what trust must be like for you.
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror.
Day 31 — Was all of this easy or hard for you? Do you realize now, or if you have, the power of words?                              Would you share?